Category Archives: Life Lessons

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Why You Should Let Your Kids Play on New Asphalt

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As many of you know, I am a construction lawyer in Nashville, Tennessee.  Last fall, I came home to a fresh layer of asphalt throughout our development.  Smooth. Warm. Black.  It looked great!  Then my kids … 5 out of 7 of them … pulled out the chalk and began destroying this perfect surface.

Since their daddy represents road builders, they even created lanes for travel.  I am sure they did not commission any environmental impact studies.  Nor did they properly carry out lane closures.  (…amateurs…)

My immediate reaction was to get mad … They were playing in the street! They were ruining perfectly good asphalt.  But then the quiet voice reassured me.  They are kids … and they are going to be alright.

Do you get stressed by juggling professional demands and family life?  Here are some reasons why you should let your kids plays on new asphalt:

  • Let your kids be kids.  Too often, I confuse “good behavior” with “good character.”  I think my job as a parent is to instill good character, which naturally should result in good behavior. Right?  But when my focus is on their actions, rather than their heart, I become rule-driven.  Wake up, Matt, they are kids.  Let them play!  That’s what new asphalt is for … bright colored chalk!
  • Let yourself be a kid.  My job as parent does not end with allowing my kids to play, though.  I need to play with them.  In this instance, I flopped down on the new, black street and began drawing.  The giggles of the little ones at my side, laughing at my “less than perfect” stick figure was all I needed.  This was fun.
  • Live one life.  Most of my hurdles over the past ten years have stemmed from that fact that I tried to compartmentalize every aspect of my daily life (i.e., work, health, family, friendships, etc). Each had their own little box. Until I came to the realization that there is only room for one life, there was conflict.  I suspect that you will experience the same.  That means, if you are a passionate executive, then take that passion home to your family.  If you work great with your kids, then work great with your staff and employees.

Question: Are you juggling work and family and community?  What tips can you share about finding the right balance?

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The Day We Buried Sarcasm, Yelling and Bad Attitudes

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Ever had a family burial ceremony?  We did last Fall.  No, it was not for the hermit crab (…he died years ago…).  No, it was not for the water frogs (…inexplicably they are still alive…).  It was for a few invited guests that we let come into our house.  They have overstayed their welcome and we were ready to kick them out.  Do they live in your home?

Sarcasm. Yelling. Bad Attitudes.

It started with a sit down family meeting.  I apologized to the kids for my sarcasm and yelling.  I told them that I did not like raising my voice to get them to listen to something.  I told them that my words had not been sincere when they asked me questions.  I told them, “I’m sorry.”  Finally, I told them I was willing to give up sarcasm and yelling.  We spent the next few minutes talking about things they were willing to give up, too.  One said, “Yelling at my sisters.” (…I guess you can “catch” behaviors…).  One said, “Bad attitude.”  One said, “Pizza!” (…We’ll give her a couple of years to catch up…).

We then drew a picture of our sacrifices on a 3×5 card and proceeded out back to the burial site.  We dug a hole and we placed our cards in the hole.  We talked to the kids about making choices in life and how can accept our bad behaviors or get rid of them.  And in the crisp, cool weather that afternoon … we buried sarcasm, yelling and bad attitudes.

When you decide that you are tired of just “getting by” with the same old attitudes, then you can do something about it.  When you are ready to “play to win,” then you can make a change.  If you are ready to make a change in your life, I suggest that you have your own burial ceremony.  Here are few things to remember:

  • It is never too late.  A habit is never too old to break.  It may be difficult, but you can decide to change your patterns of behavior whenever you want.  You also don’t need a house full of children in order to decide to change.  Your behaviors may affect a spouse or a friend.  They may affect your health or your work.  The important aspect is that you can decide to change … today.
  • It takes a plan.  Concerned about my sarcastic words, I knew that I needed to do something more than stop talking.  (…I talk for a living…).  Instead, I knew that I had to write down on paper what I was willing to set aside for my children.  I had to admit that I was wrong.  I then had to take a physical act of abandonment.   You may not need a ceremony.  Perhaps you want to reign in your spending—try freezing your credit card in a bag of water in the freezer.  Addicted to swear words?  Set up a “swear jar” and donate some Benjamins every time you cuss.  Make a plan and stick to it.
  • It may fail, but stay focused.  Finally, realize that you are human and that you are likely to fail.  In fact, just a few moments after I buried sarcasm yesterday, I found my silver tongue snapping at my wife about something she had asked me to do weeks ago.  Luckily, she was smart enough to remind me about our burial ceremony and she put me back in place.  Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “Men succeed when they realize that their failures are the preparation for their victories.”  When you realize that you are going to fail, you are free to succeed.  Henry Ford failed numerous times in business before he finally went on to build the Ford Motor Company.

Question:  What have you let in your home that needs a burial ceremony?

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Sometimes Parents Need to Be Told What to Do!

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You think we have it all together.  We must.  After all, no one in their right mind would have seven kids unless they were either crazy or really good parents.  In our family, it it is probably a little of both . . . but definitely insane in the brain! And not a day goes by where my children don’t teach me about parenting.

Time to relax.  A few months ago, I was hoping to catch a movie with the kids after dinner, after their showers, pillows and blankets spread across the floor. (…Admittedly, that is code for “Let Daddy lie down on the couch and rest his eyes while purportedly spending time with the kids.”….)

I put the movie in the DVD player, I fluffed my pillow, and I pressed play.  Everyone was situated for the family movie except for Faith, my #5, who was trying to squeeze her small frame into my blanket, pillow and body.

“Faith, sit down.  The movie is about to start.”  This time I said it calmly.  Next time I wouldn’t.

“Dad, I’m trying. But there is no room,” she cooed softly.

I didn’t bite. “Faith, sit on the floor.  There’s plenty of room.” Yes, this time I snapped.

“But, Dad, I just want to sit by you.”

Most people would have melted with those soft blue eyes, but not me.  I wanted everyone to sit in this spot and watch the “family” movie quietly so that I could get some rest. 

“Faith, there’s no more room next to me.”  I thought about that statement.  How can I deal with those words, yet still get my sleep?  Let me try this:  “What do you want me to do Faith?”

“Well, you could could put your arm around me.”

She smiled.  Innocence.

Sometimes parents need to be told what to do.  In a split second, my heart was pierced and my mind went racing.  She’s right.  She just wanted to spend time with me, but I had something else in mind.  And with those nine little words she solved her problem . . . and mine.

You see, as parents our world is filled with total chaos: dirty diapers, meals, spilled paint, broken glass, laundry, sibling fights, naps, naps interrupted, soccer practice, violin practice, church, more dirty diapers . . . you get the picture. 

And yet in the midst of this chaos, we have a job to do.  Unconditionally love our children.  That’s a tough job when you have your list of things you want do for yourself.  Even though we know, as parents, what our role should be, it often takes a few words from our children to remind us of our job.  For Faith, she just wanted to have her Daddy hold her.  For Dylan, he just wants to play a board game at 9:00 pm when I am tired.  For Alie, she just wants me to listen (and not talk). 

What about you?  What are your children telling you?  Slow down. Play with me.  Listen. Laugh.

That’s all they really want . . . is . . . a piece of you!

Image: jenpilot
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Can You Talk to Yourself a Little Nicer? Yes and Here’s How!

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The most important person you are going to listen to today is yourself.  Those are not my words—they are the words of John Maxwell on his leadership blog.

As Maxwell explains, there are a lot of voices we hear throughout the day, but the one that has the most positive upside or most negative downside is … what we say to ourselves … what Maxwell calls self-talk.

The point is 100% correct.  But what if you have been beaten down by a parent, spouse, boss or other person for so many years that you are stuck in negative self-talk?  What do you do to get unstuck and start talking/hearing positive self-talk?  Hear are a few ideas:

  • Recognize you are not alone.  There is a reason why leaders like John Maxwell and Michael Hyatt are successful.  Because they help hurting, struggling people.  And this world is full of hurting, struggling people:  You are one. I am one. Your best friend is one. Your neighbor is one. Your pastor is one.  We are not alone with our struggles and one of the best parts of the Internet is the ability to connect with others, finding a wealth of commonalities.  Look around.  When you recognize that you are not alone in your struggles, you gain the ability to walk side-by-side a negative self talker or to follow a positive self talker.
  • Realize your potential.  Mom always told me that God does not make junk.  Whatever your faith, you (and your past) are living proof that you can always do better.  Remember the first elementary school project you had?  The next one got better.  Remember the first lawn you mowed in the summer heat?  The next time you did it faster.  Remember the first song you sang in public?  The next one you sang was more melodious.  The point is that we all have talents and passions. No matter what negative things can be said about you (…by you…), there is untapped potential in you to shine.  I believe it!  Do you?
  • Re-assess your talk.  I use the word re-assess because you have to go back to the drawing board.  If you are mired down in low self esteem, you have already assessed your value (…albeit incorrectly…).  You have to re-assess, meaning DO IT AGAIN BUT THIS TIME CORRECTLY.  With a clear lens, see that you are not alone, you have great potential, and that the negative things you have been telling yourself for years is simply wrong.
  • Repeat daily.  This is perhaps the hardest part.  You may believe in yourself just a little bit more after reading these words.  You may find an ounce of passion that you once had that got lost after years of negativity.  You may ignite a spark to get unstuck out of old patterns.  But the world and your circumstances are not going to change overnight.  You have to repeat this assessment everyday you get up, you have to turn on the positive self talk, and you have to reject the negative self talk.

Question: What tips do you have to help turn the negative talk to positive talk?

Image: John Newman
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Don’t Break Your Child When You Are Stressed

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You may think that life in our family is great … no problems there, right?  Wrong! You probably remember my grumpy dreams about a lot of stresses in our life.  There’s a big reason why I have been unable to post recently, too.  I am simply overwhelmed.

stressed

How do you get back on track when feel that your life has been derailed? That’s a lesson for another day … as I am in the process of getting there myself.  But what is important to learn as a parent, spouse, and leader is that you should not break your loved ones as you work to get back on track.  Let me explain:

We have a certain daughter who loves animals.  Years ago, this animal lover pleaded with us to get a cat.  I said no.  Wife said yes.  We have a cat.

Fast forward a couple more years and this certain animal lover had been neglecting her litter-box-changing-duties.  And if the box is too full, the cat likes to use my closet as its own personal outhouse.  Well, I remember the night I came home to find another fresh, smelly “leftover” in my closet.

I lost it! Not the cat, but my patience!

I yelled.  I yelled loudly.

Moments later, I was crushed because I knew that I had crushed someone else’s spirit.  Yeah, you know, that animal lover who begged me for the cat was broken … by me.  I cannot described how terrible I felt.  It was like the “bad man” in You just broke your child. Congratulations … If you have not read Dan’s post, it is well worth the read.

While I could go on, and on, and on, about what to do when your kid’s cat poops in your closet, the real lesson is … don’t break your child while working through the conflict.