Category Archives: Life Lessons

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Three Practical Ways to Kill Your Child’s Joy and Excitement This Holiday Season

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There is nothing like a 45-minute commute on your way home in bumper-to-bumper traffic on a cold Monday evening to stifle your holiday cheer.  As I unpacked my briefcase and pulled off my tie, Jackson (my fourth child) came running into the bedroom wearing a chef’s hat.  He cheerfully said, “Dad, I’m in charge of dinner tonight.  I made a menu and I’m ready to serve you.”

jack

I grumpily walked down the stairs to the kitchen, where I saw that the table had been set (…with various sizes of plates and different cups…). On the counter, Jackson had pulled out all the leftovers from the refrigerator.  Since we have been dealing with a family crisis and I have been playing single parent for the past few weeks, its no surprise that every one of the leftovers was old and moldy.

So, I threw away Jackson’s dinner.

He sat at the table with a crossed-look of horror, sadness and disappointment as I threw out his dinner.  And rather than console him, I legitimized my actions: “Jackson, the food was rotten.  Get over it.”  (Ouch! I actually said that.)

I realized my mistake later.  Not when I was making his favorite sweet potatoes and marshmallows.  Not when we were saying prayers and reading in bed that night.  Not the next morning as I walked out to work with a kiss on his forehead.  But, later, as I was driving home the next evening—stuck in traffic again—and preparing for a better evening.  It dawned on me that on the previous night I had killed my child’s joy and excitement.  Here are three practical ways that you can do the same this holiday season:

  1. Put on your frown and ignore smiles and laughter.  There is no better way to kill joy when you come home from work, with a room of children excited to see you, than to “wear your day” on your face.  If you have had a bad day, and your face shows it, and you ignore the fun and excitement of seeing your family in the evening, then you will surely set the tone.  Your frown can be infectious, and lead to a handful of frowns on your spouse and children.  Try it.
  2. Focus on your day, rather than their day.  Another practical way to kill the joy of your family when you come home from work is by stealing it, tying it to a concrete block and throwing it into a lake.  In other words, you should steal the opportunity from them when you walk into the house and focus on your day (whether good or bad).  Don’t let them tell you about the dragons they slayed, the forts they built, the knock-knock joke they made up.  Keep it all about you.
  3. Don’t ever say sorry. Sometimes you will realize that you are crushing your children’s joy and excitement and you will have the urge to correct yourself.  But don’t.  Instead, rationalize your actions, tell them to “Grow up!” in a stern voice, and bury any desire to apologize.  Kids are smart enough to know when you messed up and they never need to hear those weak words, “I’m sorry.”

If you add family health issues, work demands, financial stresses and everyday family squabbles to the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, you have a recipe for imbalance.  In our household, while we experience all of these pressures right now, our kids need joy and excitement.  And so do yours.  So ignore my words.

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Now That You Are Fearful, You Can Let the Courage Take Over

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Tired? Restless? Fearful? Can’t sleep? Ready to give up? Overwhelmed? Hurting? Numb? Lost? Betrayed? Angry? Just getting by? What’s your pain? Better yet…What’s your plan?

Fear-Courage

I’ve been there. I understand late nights. I appreciate what if feels like to be alone. And, yet, through it all, my tormented mind always came to the same resolve: What’s your plan? What can you control? What can you not control?

Michael Hyatt believes that “…Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the willingness to act in spite of my fear.” For Hyatt, the particular lesson was about a fear of confronting a demanding client.  His torment was real:

I had to make a choice. I could let it go, hoping he would improve without intervention … or I could speak up. I wrestled with it all night. I tossed and turned. I got sick to my stomach. I played out every scenario. Finally, things came into focus: I could either be brave and call him on it, or I could be a coward and stop growing as a leader.

In the end, Hyatt confronted the fear and learned to press forward.

What about you? I imagine that your torment feels absolutely overwhelming right now. Why else would you be staring at the computer screen or thumbing through your phone, mesmerized by the words on this page.  First, you are drawn to the fact that you are not alone…some one else has been here before.  Second, you find hope that there is a way through it:  Courage is the willingness to act in spite of your fear.

Now that you are fearful (or tired…or restless…or angry…or betrayed…), you can let courage take over.  Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'” So, what does it take to live through this horror?  Here are a few tips:

  1. Recognize you are not alone. Let me say that again, you are not alone.  Money problems? Marital conflict? Jobless? There are thousands and thousands of people who have been through (or going through) the same torment as you.  Seek them. Find them. Walk next to them.
  2. Control that which you can control.  You may not be able to control the manner in which your boss talks negatively towards you, but you can finish that report on time.  You may not be able to change the mortgage payment, but you can sell your baseball card collection.  You may not be able to heal family wounds that have festered for years, but you can love your children unconditionally so as to change their family tree.  Make a list of the things you can control, and focus on them.
  3. Give up control where you have no control. At the same time, make a list of the things you cannot control, and give them up.  I often use the analogy that you cannot push a wet noodle up a wall.  Likewise, you cannot change your spouse.  You cannot make your children sleep.  You cannot force someone to do something to improve your circumstances. 
  4. Pray or meditate on your resolve. Whether you are talking about fear, anger, frustration, or any other emotion that builds inside you, find solace and refuge in a quiet place.  For me, it looks like finding a passage from the Bible that helps sustain my journey: “Do not fear for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:10).  For you, it may be a time of mediation and prayer.  Focus on the result and allow your courage to press forward.

Question: What helps you live through the torment and horror?

Image: Star-Dust
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Lessons from a Father and His Blind Son

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Some time ago, I saw a man and his young song walking along Broadway Street in downtown Nashville.   I witnessed a great lesson in parenting … leading with love, standing side-by-side, and pressing forward.

Leading in love, side-by-side, pressing forward.

The extraordinary thing about this event was that the young boy was blind.  It appeared to have been a recent condition because the father was trying to teach his son how to navigate with a walking stick.   As exhibited by this father, parenting involves the following:

  1. Leading with love is about reaching the heart of your child. Too often I get caught up in the outward behavior of my children and forget about the inward heart.  I’m learning that if I reach the heart my children, and teach them the lesson that will be forever pressed in their soul, then their “good behavior” will follow.  This father did not waste any time, energy and frustration just to get his son to walk straight and avoid objects like street signs and benches.  He was focused on his son’s challenges and building his heart and esteem to face those challenges.
  2. Standing side-by-side is right where your kids need you to be.  For this father helping his blind son to walk … there he stood right by his son’s side.  Leading him … hand to arm … arm to hand … down the street.  Then the father would let go, while continuing to walk by his side.  As parents, we need to not only stand beside our children, we need to get down on their level and talk to them eye-to-eye.  I mean this literally and figuratively.  Literally, our kids need to see our eyes when we talk to them (and particularly when we talk about life issues).  Figuratively, they need to know we understand what they are saying.  For instance, if your young man is excited about his green bean, pickle, and peanut butter “Alien Sandwich” … then so should you.
  3. Pressing forward means we must continually grow. In life, our children will be challenged to accept mediocrity, the norm, or the worldly standard of what is considered “right.”  As parents, we have to push, press, encourage and in some instances force them to reach for excellence.  Notice I did not say, perfection, but excellence. We must not get caught up in the mistakes we have made in the past.  Press forward in all things.

As I watched this father lead  his blind son along a busy street in downtown Nashville, I wondered truly about the father’s resolve and the son’s reliance.  Certainly, this man could have bullied his son to use or rely on that walking stick.  But that is not what I witnessed.  And the son, at some point in this experience, ultimately had to come to the realization that he was going to rely on his father’s leading.

Question: Are you leading your children in love, side-by-side, pressing forward?

Image: justinknol
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How to Deal with Insecurities in Your Relationships?

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My wife and I have an insecurity problem.  She’s insecure. I’m not. Okay, maybe that’s reversed.  Maybe it depends on the day…or the hour.

One of my readers recently sent us the following praise, along with a question:

I have found your blogs to be very honest….you guys put it all out there and expose the reality that it isn’t all ribbons and rainbows! Appreciate and value the perspective you both share.

Anyway, how do you navigate the waters day to day together without losing connection and/or questioning the direction along the journey?

The questions really are about insecurity.  I am not joking when I say that the insecurities in our marriage ebb and flow with the tides.   But as long as we know that truth prior to getting into the boat, we tend to find our way through stormy waters.  Here’s how:

  1. Talk openly.  We got much of our fighting done prior to getting married.  We went through a 12-week pre-marital counseling program at our local church, where we talked about all the stormy waters of a relationship: finances, in-laws, children, expectations, sex (…can he say that?…yep!…), church, communication, work, etc.  The program created an environment where we could talk openly about these issues before they arose, since we knew they would arise sometime in our marriage.
  2. Walk humbly.  The storm will get thicker the more your focus on your own individual losses, feelings, emotions, goals, etc.  As an attorney, I can argue (or justify) my way out of any marital situation.  But that is not the best route for the relationship.  Most of the time when I think I am “right” about something, I dig my heels into my position and let her have it!  And every time I do so, I am closer to losing what I love most.  I have learned that even if I have the better side of the argument, most times I can calm the storm with two words: “I’m sorry.” If you humble yourself, you can minimize each of your insecurities.
  3. Hold tightly.  We navigate the waters without losing connection because we hold each other tightly…both literally and figuratively.  In a literal sense, no words can give my wife the security she desires more than a tight hug, arms wrapped around her tightly, and a kiss on her forehead.  Figuratively, we walk hand-in-hand through each challenge.  When your hands drop from your partner (out of selfishness, anger or laziness), you stand alone.
  4. Laugh regularly.  When you realize that you are navigating rough waters, with no oars in the boat, and you are out of food, sometimes you need to look at your spouse and say, “Good time to start a diet, sweetie! Look out Sports Illustrated: Couples Swimsuit Edition here we come!”  Courtney and have become marital comedians over the past few years because we have decided to change our outlook on situation.  It does not always take the hurt away, but a giggle or a smile will often help you weather the storm.
  5. Learn continually.  All of this may sound really good and may help you through a fight or two, but Courtney and I find success when we remember the lessons of a prior storms just as we are going through a new storm.  It won’t be a guarantee success this time, but we often know what “not” to do based upon the prior challenge.  And so will you.

Question: How do you deal with insecurities in your relationships?

Image: Kathy

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What Does Patience Mean to You? Here’s A Good Definition.

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We teach our kids about patience almost everyday.  Go ahead, ask them.  And if you do, you will hear them recite our family definition of patience: “Waiting for something you want without crying, complaining or getting angry.” From our oldest to the young toddler, they all know the definition.

 Patience

But what happens when mom or dad are not patient?

What happens when we cry, complain or get angry while we are waiting on something? We need to learn a lesson in patience.  As some of you recall, we had some major complications with our latest pregnancy.

Why am I saying we?  I mean, she.  If I could take away the pain from her, I would do it immediately.

But there she was, sitting up all night, wincing with each movement, mumbling and praying for an answer.  If I was awake and I actually heard her, I would roll over and place my hand on her shoulder.   I whispered, “What can I do?”

The silence told me nothing.

Exhaustion turned to frustration, which turned to anger.  I was whining, complaining and getting angry on the inside.  Every now and then it creeps out of my lips.  And I am reminded of my kids’ lesson on patience.

That sounds like good advice for a child wanting to tell you about their day the second you arrive home from work.  It can buy you a few more minutes until (or even postpone) the evening story because you are simply too tired.   Have you been there?  What can you do to find your own patience?

  1. Time out. Not in the “punishment” manner, but in the “set yourself aside” and take a break from your circumstances.  Perhaps you need the “time out” as you pull your car into the driveway after a long day of work.  Perhaps you need the “time out” as the kids are whining about how hungry they are just before the meal is placed on the table.  No matter the circumstances, take a “time out” from the circumstance.
  2. Meditate or pray. In his pain, King David was crying to the Lord with his voice?, and He answered from His holy mountain. Do you know what happened next?  David said, “I laid down and slept. I awoke, for the Lord sustains me.”  (Ps 3:4-5)  David could have had sleepless nights, but in his rebellion he slept peacefully because he prayed to the Lord, and those prayers were answered.
  3. Substitute your wait. Accept the fact that patience requires a time of waiting.  If you expect, plan and prepare for that time of waiting, you can begin to avoid the onset of complaints or anger.  For my wife during the evening, it means offering the children an alternative to whining as they wait for dinner, such as: “Sweetie, I want you think of the story you are going to share with the family during dinner time.  That will give Mommy time to finish preparing the food.”  The same goes for us.

Question: When are you most impatient? What do you do to find comfort?

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Parent Leader: Somewhere Between Dictator and Welcome Mat

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We just survived my birthday weekend.  I say “weekend” because I like to stretch out the festivities as much as possible…Dad’s Birthday Breakfast, Dad’s Birthday Lunch, Dad’s Birthday Afternoon Snack, Dad’s Birthday Dinner, Dad’s Birthday cake (…and cupcakes…), and even this morning, Dad’s Birthday Sleep-in-and-go-to-work-late.  My birthday was last week, though.

Mia Helping Daddy Make Cake

That joy this weekend was also littered with the regular challenges of parenthood. Bills stacked up on the counter, light bulbs out in 10 sockets, children fighting over how much of Dad’s cake they got, and my lovely wife just wanting a few moments of silent. These are the circumstances when the Daddy … a real man … has to step up to fulfill his role as Parent Leader. And that place is somewhere between dictator and welcome mat. Here is what I mean:

  • A parent leader is not a dictator. Too often, I confuse Christianity as a “well behaved” person and I think my job is to raise little “well behaved” persons. My job is to teach them to love the Lord with all their heart, mind and strength. My wife often reminds me that a good leader leads … not dictates. Understanding this concept, childhood discipline from the parent is more like a boundary that keeps the child on the right track, rather than a bouncer who strongholds the kid back into place.
  • A parent leader is not a welcome mat. On the other end of the spectrum, there are a number of parents in today’s society who simply want to “friend” their children in the FaceBook game of life. Love and devotion to your children should not be mistaken as a license to have a chummy, “BF” or pal relationship with them. You cannot let your children (or their friends) walk all over you like a welcome mat. Practically, this means: you are the parent, they are the child. Don’t blur the distinction.
  • A parent leader is somewhere in the middle. I can’t tell you exactly where that middle spot is located because we are trying to find that right balance. In our family … each family is different … I tend to be the dictator and my wife tends to be the welcome mat. Here’s the thing, we realize that we need to run to the middle. My wife prays for strength to be more rigid in what she will allow the kids to say and do during the day. I pray for strength not to crush the kids’ spirits after I walk into the house following a long, hard day.

Are you a parent leader? As you look at the sincerity of your heart, ask yourself whether you are “provoking your children to anger” or are you “bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:7)

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A Faith Lesson From Three (Not Two) Cinnamon Rolls

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For many years now, I have met with a group of other men on an early morning weekday to bond, and to talk, and to vent, and to simply lean on each other. One time, as I was packing up the last three cinnamon rolls from breakfast, I half-heartedly joked, “These three will go to the homeless.”  I say half-heartedly because I don’t know that I had any real intention of finding someone who would want the leftovers.

Gotta love the bacon in this tasty treat.

After a morning workout at the downtown gym, I began walking to my office.  I then immediately saw that God had plans for the cinnamon rolls that sat in my car—two homeless guys.  And the excuses began flowing through my mind, “I don’t have time to walk a block to my car, get the rolls, and walk a block back.” and “There are only two people, and I have three rolls. I don’t want to start a homeless brawl.” I decided to keep walking towards my office.

As I passed those empty and lonely eyes, I was immediately convicted…but not enough to turn around. Instead, I put out a challenge to God (which, by the way, I do not suggest that you attempt this yourself). “God, if you really want these TLM’s (tasty little morsels) to feed the hungry, then put three homeless dudes closer to my car.” After all, I had three (not two) cinnamon rolls.

I walked down the alley and slowly turned the corner. I was like an excited child on Christmas morning coming down the stairwell. I looked up and saw God’s response sitting at back entrance to my garage. There were three (not two) homeless dudes. Thanks, God. I spent the next few moments talking with the three (not two) lost wanderers, who were, by the way, very thankful for a cinnamon roll.

John 14:9 says, “He who has seen Me has seen the Father.” You see, there’s an interesting relationship between God and man. The link between the two is Jesus—fully God and fully man. In other words, Jesus can teach you a lot about God, as he is every bit God himself. And yet Jesus can completely relate to you, because he is every bit a man. That morning, I was challenged once again to look for God and serve God in the everyday moments. And so should you.

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What a Supermom of a Premature Superhero Taught Me About Living

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When our fifth child was born, he had minor complications with a hole in his lung and an inability to breathe.  While my wife stayed at one hospital in recovery following the delivery, I was transported to another local hospital to be bed-side with my newborn son in the NICU.  I am sure this has happened to you in some form or another…challenged by a medical catastrophe.

Ever been to a NICU?

While at the NICU, we had the privilege of meeting Mollie and Dax, a supermom and her premature superhero.  Dax was born premature at 23 weeks.  His twin sister, Aubrie, was delivered prior to that and went to heaven when she was a day old.  Dax is now five and you can read about their heart-touching story at Wrecked,

Again, we all struggle. Our family is the same as yours.  Mollie’s family is the same as yours. Let’s learn from each other. As I have watched Mollie weather the storms over the past five years, here are three things that this supermom and her premature superhero have taught me about living:

  • Live Your Own Life. As parents, we have a tendency to over-protect our children.  In her own journey, Mollie has every reason to want to live her little man’s life for him…to talk for him…to experience for him…to protect his every move.  But Mollie has chosen to live her own life as a mother of an exceptional and challenged young boy.  Mollie has chosen to let Dax become a superhero, allowing him to venture out in the world, and fall, and get hurt, and grow!
  • Laugh at Life.  When you are challenged, you have a choice of attitudes.  Do you want to sulk?  Do you want to get angry?  Do you want to plan a resolution?  For Mollie, she has chosen to laugh at life.  Just follow her Facebook posts and you will be ROFL (…that’s rolling on the floor laughing for you non-texters…).  For example, describing that horrific time when your child screams out in a location that normally should be a quiet place, Mollie chides: “The sermon today was on the Holy Spirit. Coincidentally (or not?) my little wannabe Pentacostal child yelled out in tongues exercising his fancy new vocal cord the whole time. Made me think of the Mississippi Squirrel Revival… Happy Sunday, y’all!”  Thanks for the awesome reminder of laughter.
  • Lend Your Life.  As much as you think you have on your own plate (with work, school, family, health, debt, or whatever), you can rise above your circumstances by lending your life to others.  When Aubrie joined the other angels in heaven, Mollie made sure to form Aubrie’s Angels in an effort to ensure that every special needs child has access to toys and equipment that will allow them to thrive!  Every year, Mollie and her friends lend their lives to improving the lives of others.

Question: Do you know a supermom like Mollie?  What have you learned from them?

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Four Ways to Become a Rock Star Parent to Your Kids

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This weekend my wife convinced me to add a couple of new outfits to my wardrobe. When I put on this new hip set of duds on Sunday, one of my daughters stared at me with fascination…or disgust…I couldn’t really tell.

After moments of silence, she said, “Dad, those look like rock star pants.”  I beamed back with excitement, “I know. Cool, huh?”  Her response pierced my ego: “But you are not a rock star!”

RockStar

As parents, we should shine like rock stars to our kids.  I am not talking about being cool for sake of being cool.  I am not talking about being their best friend.  I am talking about planning, advertising, entertaining and inspiring throughout your relationship with your children.  Here is what I mean:

  1. Plan your concert tour.  As a busy construction attorney, this is the most difficult part of becoming a rock star parent.  I work very long days and often times I leave to and come home from the office while the kids are in bed. (Yep…I said that right…I miss them in the morning and night.)  And with seven young children, the need to plan is more important.  Just like the musician with a planned tour schedule, you need to plan the times that you will be home with the children.  Include them in making your tour schedule so that they have involvement.  Many times I have heard a little one say to me, “Dad, on our next adventure, can we ….?”
  2. Advertise each event. When you plan an event, you need to advertise and talk about it with your children.  Weekends can be crazy at my house because I have scheduled three or four different trips out with different kids.  When you talk about it during the week, you are solidifying your commitment to them, as well as building excitement for the weekend to come.
  3. Entertain their heart and mind.   Okay. I got this one down because I love to entertain.  A few pieces of advice: (i) learn to use many voices (…kids love voices…); (ii) buy tons of white paper and crayons, and sit down to draw with your children every chance you can get; and (iii) eat the green bean, peanut butter, and chip sandwiches, which means if you let your children help you make lunch, then be prepared to eat whatever they make. Role play with the chef, waitress and customer.  And when you mess up by yelling at them for spilling the milk (…I may have done that a few times…), then cure the hurt in their eyes and face by saying “sorry” and finding their tickle spot.
  4. Inspire your children towards greatness.  We entertain to get their attention; we inspire to teach them character.  Whether it is the lyrics, the overall showmanship, or the eye contact made with the lead singer, the most memorable concert likely left you inspired.  When you interact with your children, remain focused on your goal of preparing them for the real world (…hopefully not the MTV show…).  In all things, including trips to the movie, ice cream shop or park, find a way to inspire them to greatness.

Are you a rock star parent?  What can you do different this week to rock it?

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You Know You Are Grumpy When … You Dream in Grumpy

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Over the past few months, I have been so stressed that my wife cornered me on more than one occasion to let me know how “grumpy” I have been with the children and with her.  My first reaction … No way!  You’re the grumpy one, chica!

grumpy

I soon realized that my wife was right when I started dreaming in grumpy. Last week I woke up at about 3:00am with anger in my mind and a frown on my face.  I woke up from an insanely realistic dream where I was yelling at my children, picking apart my wife and kicking the cat.   I woke up and wanted to run away from myself.

Language studies show that if you begin to dream in a foreign language, then you are comfortable with the foreign language and may be on the verge of fluency.  So what does it mean when you dream that you are angry and “on edge” with everyone?  I think it means you are angry and “on edge” with everyone … and on the verge of hurting those you most care about.  Here is what you can do turn those dreams around?

  • If you’ve yelled at your kids, it is never too late to apologize. Even where a few days has gone by, my children truly appreciate (and understand) when I take them to the side to “say sorry” for being grumpy.  Addy Joy, do you remember when Daddy yelled at you two days ago for getting out of bed?  Well, I am sorry.  I should not have yelled at you.  It is your job to stay in bed and it is my job to teach you to obey instructions.  But it was wrong of me to yell at you.  Will you forgive me? Those words can make a huge impact on a child.
  • If you’ve been short with your wife, it is never too late to open up to her. Just because my wife is an adult, I cannot assume that she will fully appreciate the stress that consumes me during the day.  I am learning to make a concerted effort to take a few “moments of silence” after pulling into the driveway to prepare for my entrance into the home.  Again, the words are simple: Honey-babe-schmoopy-pie … I am sorry for not understanding how my stresses affect you and the kids.  It’s been tough on me for the past few days and I forget that we are on the same team.  Will you forgive me? Most of the time, she will embrace you with open arms.  And by the way, sweetie, wanna make out?
  • If are you dreaming in grumpy, it is never too late to change. Luckily for me (and for my family), I have only had one grumpy dream.  But it was a huge wake-up call (…pun intended…) that I needed to change my attitude toward my children.  I realize that my grumpiness is not going to solve the stresses that are making me grumpy.  Does that make sense?  If eating ice cream is not going to help you lose weight, then why would yelling at your kids or spouse help you with the stresses at work, or the financial strains, or the problem you may be having with a friend.  It won’t.

Are you dreaming in grumpy?  If so, how can you turn those dreams around?

Image: sokab